New Chair

I requested a new office chair
The old one cramped my knees
So, I asked for it to be replaced
Can I have a new one please?
It arrived in a carton
The carton was quite small
And when I looked inside the box
There wasn’t much at all.
A spindly kind of construction
Aluminium with a small seat
It needed the right surroundings
Like in a bird cage it would be neat.
I’m a rather burly person
The chair was far too small
When I sat upon the chair
You could not see it all.
Only the four legs were visible
With my two on the floor
I looked like a robot spider
So I threw it out the door.

Forms

Just a splinter in my mind,
That starts to make me shout,
Do we fill in a form,
Or do we fill it out?

Vegetable Solution

Our daughter won't eat her vegetables,
No matter how we try,
She won't eat anything healthy,
No matter what we buy.
So, we suggested growing our own,
She seemed to embrace the idea,
We had found a solution,
Our path was now clear.
So, we went to buy seeds and plants,
This she said to me,
"Dad, I think the first thing to plant,
Should be a chocolate tree."

Girl on Top

I have a girl bouncing on my chest,
She's shapely and attractive,
She's every male's fantasy,
But I'm non-reactive.
For she's a mindless sort of gal,
The simplest she can't understand,
Because she's Barbie and made of plastic,
Controlled by my daughter's hand.

Football Icons

I was watching Saturday football,
The Tigers playing the Sharks,
And I wondered about the mismatch,
Occurring on such parks.
The tiger is a land animal,
The shark a product of the sea,
Perhaps the tigers use scuba gear,
Can that possibly be?
I guess I shouldn't ponder such things,
I'll stifle such silly feels,
Enjoy this game and the next,
As the Warriors fight the Eels.

Sausage Frenzy

Our daughter was at a function,
Parents expected to work,
They gave me six kilos of sausages,
And a barbeque to go berserk.
An hour later I was exhausted,
Sautéed in my own sweat,
Covered in congealed fat,
And as weary as you can get.
I staggered home for a shower,
A friend had invited me 'round,
For bourbon and four guitarists,
To work on our metal sound.
We were hammering out the classics,
God gave me what I deserved,
My friend's wife brought us dinner,
And it was sausages that she served.

My Passion

My passion is a butterfly
Easy, beautiful and natural
Single-minded and self-serving
Bringing joy to those around.
But it is also alarmingly fragile
Light, easily affected and small
Able to be broken utterly
With the slightest touch.
Cradle it and support it
Admire by all means
But then blow a gentle kiss
And speed it on its way.

House Jobs

I really should fix the roof,
Then go mow the lawn,
But I think I'll just scratch my crotch,
Watch TV and yawn.
Because that way I've worked harder,
And when you yell at me,
I can say I ignored two jobs,
But then took care of three.

Whispers

I did not see you watching
Me with such fierce intent
It appears you have good cause to
Me suspect and resent.
I cannot control my temptation
It's not that I am weak
It's just that I am conniving
And attention do I seek.
My whispers reach out to caress
An attraction with the new
My whispers fondle the ears of others
But not for a while with you.
I seek solace in the arms of others
To other souls wish to roam
Because I know that there's a welcome
Waiting breathless there at home.
But tonight my conspiratorial whisper
Met more than the intended ears
Seeking you out to confirm
Your deepest, darkest fears.
My whispers have betrayed me
My unconscious giving them weight
My whispers are so destructive
As they writhe and coagulate.
Did I do it on purpose?
To gauge your reaction?
Did I wish to force you
Into some bizarre attraction?
My whispers have revealed me
And given you a picture true
My whispers have given you the lever
Now it's up to you.

Semantic Confusion

Children like to share events,
Recent in their heads,
The negotiation of reality,
Stands them in good stead.
But one that happened yesterday,
And his excitement I didn't rob,
As her explained about his mother,
Getting a wash and a blow job.
It seems she was at the hairdresser,
And had explained what she did,
But her son confused two terms,
And that's normal for a kid.
I took him aside gently,
And explained how things are,
Give the blow job, then the wash,
And you shall go far.

Hairy Body

My body is so very hairy,
Upon waxing I have some reliance,
To me a brush cutter is useful,
As a personal grooming appliance.
I shower and it blocks up,
Choked with clumps of coarse hair,
Whenever I go to get a hair cut,
The barber wails his despair,
"Although I appreciate you business,
In many monetary ways,
My other customers often leave,
Because you tie me up for days."
Squirrels like to build their nests,
In the most unpleasant places,
Then startle people in the street,
With their emerging faces.
But I think I'll stop waxing,
And leave all parts unshaved,
And go around naked,
Dreaming of the money that I've saved.

My Students

They come in big and little.
They come in short and tall.
Some are fat. Some are thin.
Some names I can't recall.
They're boys. They're girls.
They're poor or rich. Some no longer care.
Some dress in tattered cast-offs.
Some have fashion, poise, and flair.
They're quick. They're slow.
They forget, or they recall.
Some will never get it.
Some write. Some print. Some scrawl.
They're students in my classroom.
Each one's unique and rare.
So should I treat them "equal"?
Or should I strive for "fair"?
No two alike. No needs the same.
Each different day to day.
It's hard to think in black or white;
My life is spent in grey.
It may be math or English
Or the other things I teach,
But my raw material is a student,
And I give my best to each.
For those who see my classroom
Like a business or machine,
I'd like for them to visit
And show just what they mean.
For each child. For each day.
To each in different ways.
I add my value to their lives
And do my best, I pray.
When I am called to judgment
And stars are added to my crown,
I hope they'll see I was a teacher,
And keep my class load down!