Coming Out

The old girl’s been in the shed,
She’s the apple of my eye,
She deserves a bit of pampering,
As the years go flying by.
But yesterday I dragged her out,
Through cobwebs and much dust,
For to let her stretch her legs,
Is also an absolute must.
I was surprised at her willingness,
To accelerate,
To obey each and every command,
Is simply just first rate.
She stopped without any squeals,
She took my breath away,
For whilst a product of yesteryear,
She’s got a character not found today.

20 Greetings

I’m not coming in today,
I’m not coming in today,
She’s always such an emotional wreck,
Good morning,
I can’t find a pen that works,
Good morning,
It’s cold out here,
Why do they get here so early?
They gave me the call. I’m in.
I’m keeping him home today,
Did you get that email?
Do you know what happened?
Hello,
Good morning,
I’ve got my bag all ready,
Great,
Is that area out of bounds?
I’ve got new shoes. They’re sparkly,
I don’t like the cold.

I don’t know if it’s poetry, or art, but I just wrote down the first 20 things that people said to me at work this morning. It’s interesting what people say and when you take them out of context, then throw them together. It’s funny how they interact.

Can

In the middle of the road this morning,
Was a discarded drink can,
Guided by external forces,
It could never understand.
Cars went in both directions,
At intervals randomly spaced,
The turbulence that they created,
Were like invisible hands placed,
Upon the can in the middle of the road,
Ushering it from side to side,
Flirting with destruction every moment,
Only to be pushed aside,
By the next car rushing past,
Drivers, of course didn’t care,
But of this helpless, inanimate object,
I was only too aware.
It needed to be saved from destruction,
I stopped my careless ride,
And rescued the can from its fate,
It was now safe inside.
For the day it lazed contentedly,
Warm in the winter sun,
Its fate was now more assured,
Not over before it had begun.
That afternoon we went home early,
The can I left in place,
I would find a special residence,
Where of danger there would be no trace.
My daughters are two helpful souls,
They are the best by far,
So they decided to surprise me,
And tidy up my car.
They vacuumed the interior,
Making an awful din,
Then, found the can and flattened it,
And threw it in the bin.
The moral is really quite simple,
When your life is gone to Hell,
Even those with best intentions,
Can get you there as well.

Spin

As I was growing up,
I played cricket with my Dad,
Those sun drenched afternoons,
Were amongst the best I’ve had.
He could spin the ball with vengeance,
Turning it either way,
It often made me look foolish,
I’m not ashamed to say.
He’s now eighty-two,
I’m at thirty nine,
Those halcyon days in the yard,
Have been left far behind.
But about a year ago,
I was bowling to some boys,
They are my twin nephews.
Cricket gear amongst their toys.
I spun the ball with vengeance,
Turning it either way,
I made them look quite foolish,
I’m quite proud to say.
Then my Dad came over smiling,
He picked up the cricket bat,
Now was my chance to get even,
I was looking forward to that.
But then I smiled at him ruefully,
And bowled the first ball,
I spun it very gently,
It turned not much at all.
I continued to bowl quite gently,
On this approach I stayed,
I did not want him to look foolish,
I am proud to say.
Because my memories of those summer days,
Playing cricket with my Dad,
Deserve to remain they way they are,
Amongst the best I’ve had.

St Christopher Will Protect Me

I’m not a confident driver,
An accident my likely fate,
It would cripple me financially,
And the loss of freedom I would hate.
So, I bought a St Christopher necklace,
For some divine protection,
It specializes in almighty safety,
And in spiritual trouble detection.
I hung it from the rear view mirror,
So trouble it could clearly see,
And thus, I was feeling safe,
With St Christopher protecting me.
I took the first corner on two wheels,
Man, I could really fly,
St Christopher swung on his chain,
And hit me in the eye.
I lost control and spun wildly,
Where was my heavenly luck?
I collided, still doing 60,
With a petrol truck.
The tanker then exploded,
Incinerating me and my car,
St Christopher wasn’t helping me,
As I became a human cigar.
I found myself at The Pearly Gates,
St Christopher in my hand,
I know that the angels here,
Would surely understand.
They said, “Son, we sympathise greatly,
And feel some sorrow as well,
But you can take that flaming necklace,
And go straight down to Hell.”

Many people embrace faith for all the wrong reasons.

Tooth Ache

My father had a toothache,
And to make his point plain,
He took out his false teeth,
And pointed to the one giving pain.

I Have

I have seen the sights you've seen
I have been the places you've been
I have struggled to understand
I have fretted when nothing's at hand
But the incongruous emptiness of my mind
And the endless nonsense that I find
That echoes so repetitious and so plain
At least there's no more nothing - I have pain.

Staple Diet

The doctor was annoyed with me,
I was not feeling fine,
He told me that my staple diet,
Was one not rich in iron.
So, I’ve been eating staples now,
Feeling light as a feather,
Of course when I wipe my butt,
I staple the sheets together.

You Mustn't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must---but never quit.

Life is queer, with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won if he'd stuck it out;
Stick to your task, though the pace seems slow---
You may succeed with one more blow.

Success is failure turned inside out---
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt---
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit---
It's when things seem worst that YOU MUSTN'T QUIT.

Car Wash

I really love to wash the car
It makes the world seem greater
For I know with absolute certainty
That it will rain 24 hours later.

Killer Plant

There is a garden not far from here,
It contains a plant so bad,
It can kill with alarming swiftness,
It’s the most dangerous that they’ve had.
Sit under it for just ten minutes,
That time would surely fly,
And before you know what happens,
You will surely die.
No warning signs surround it,
You’re really on your own,
It is completely unadorned,
Yet the most wicked one they’ve grown.
Now, before you think I’ve gone mad,
Or even just a little silly,
This plant is quite a common one,
It’s a water lily.

Trapped, but then Forgiveness

Her blue eyes penetrate the red curtain
Formed by her shimmering hair
They keep going right through me
Like I’m just not there.
Her mouth twists downward on one side
His displeasure for me to see
I’ve got her over a barrel now
It’s a place she’ll seldom be.
For her words are calculated daggers
They cut and flense the truth
They pervert it to her desperate desires
The mild mannered becomes uncouth.
But I have caught her in her own web
Me she can’t now deceive
The facts are incontrovertible and fixed
She herself she does not believe.
Her countenance softens and so does she
She takes me by the hand
Her tear traces a languid path downward
She prays I’ll understand.
I take her wrist with tender countenance
And swim in her pleading stare
She smiles her broad smile of victory
Then I handcuff her to the chair.

Old Car Woes

My car has been ill-tempered for some time
But with old cars that’s not enough
To take them to the mechanic
For its then they sound so tough.
But, relent I did reluctantly
A leak in the exhaust so severe
That the dinosaur chewed through gasoline
And pedestrians lived in fear.
Now, two gaskets for the job were needed
Only one could be sourced in town
My mechanic scoured up and he scoured down
Our regional kind of town.
So, three days later it returned
For the second gasket to be installed
But, yet another problem surfaced
I was quite appalled.
The extractors were now leaking
And needed to be welded from the inside
This chase down the rabbit hole was wearying
But the mechanic I did not deride.
The ignition leads were also arcing
They do this when they’re old
And they need to be separated better
Well, at least this is what I’m told.
And now everything’s half fixed
More parts are on the way
It’s rough and under-powered
And booked in again next Thursday.
So, I’ve gone from a tough sounding car
That ran really quite well
To a problematic piece of machinery
That takes joy in giving me hell.
So, now from now on I’ll be content
With the old car – warts and all
For, even though it wasn’t perfect
At least when I drove it I had a ball.

Two Sundays Ago

The sun was pleasant upon my back,
The day was going well,
The trail stretched out before us,
Drenched in the forest’s smell.
On a new trail foreign to us,
We enjoyed the spirit of discovery,
Reveling in the new conditions,
And the sights to see.
Half way upon our journey,
Fate cunningly intervened,
A major kind of breakdown,
The kind of which I’ve never dreamed.
The worst kind of broken,
Uttering words I can’t repeat,
I at least got kind of mobile,
But I’d need to use my feet.
Miles from home or anywhere,
We walked through bramble and burr,
Until the landscape became familiar,
And we kind of knew where we were.
My partner went off then,
Back to get his car,
I would continue to walk, though,
Destined to not get far,
For I was wearing new shoes,
Not properly conditioned yet,
And judging by the pain I felt,
Blisters were a safe bet.
For another hour I trudged forward,
Hoping for some reprieve,
Just wanting for this time to end,
Just wanting to simply leave.
My friend arrived with a sour expression,
His car was not running well,
The clutch was not engaging properly,
This day had gone to Hell.
He nursed it with much finesse,
Cajoling it with great skill,
Massaging when were going up,
Then coasting down each hill.
We parted ways with some relief,
We had faced challenges and won,
At least there was some daylight left,
Some chance at having fun.
My daughter was quite excited,
A birthday party in her plans,
So we made a card and got dressed,
A present in our hands.
A good time was being had by all,
Bowling was the day’s theme,
Sugar and saturated fat on the table,
It was a child’s every dream.
When over the loudspeaker,
Came a message about my car,
And to report outside immediately,
It was just bizarre.
Outside a crowd had gathered,
One of them in tears,
A quick inspection followed,
To confirm my darkest fears.
A person had not been looking,
And from them I wish not to detract,
But my car was far away from theirs,
But into it they still backed.
The damage to my car was minor,
Much more significant to theirs,
I know accidents can surely happen,
But that did not help my despair.
My car has recently been painted,
To have it marked in such a way,
I just thought it was typical,
And that’s all I have to say.
So at this point I was ruminating,
A thought swirling in my head,
I wish that I had paranormal powers,
So I would have stayed in bed.

Expressions

You’re upset at my expressions,
I challenge you with a wink,
I’m trying to share my enthusiasm,
I’m trying to make you think.
The snarl is not aggressive,
You may not have seen one in a while,
My teeth are bared, but I’m friendly,
That expression is called a smile.
The tears are ones of laughter,
Not every cry one of pain,
Take me for what I am,
Before I go insane.

Jersey

I was so proud of my new cycling jersey,
Form fitting and bright red,
Covered in sponsor's logos,
In my competition it would inspire dread.
Muscles flexing at the start line,
Words came to me clearer and cleaner,
My awe inspiring jersey was now called,
The six foot bulging weiner.

Are You Closed?

The heavens opened with unheralded speed,
The rivers rose with glee,
The wind lashed without a care,
It was a sight to see.
The private schools closed their doors,
I have no idea why,
They are based on some sort of faith,
I thought that angels could fly.
An email came from our bosses,
Warning of inclement weather,
And to stay open at all costs,
For that is our pleasure.
Another email followed an hour behind,
Advising far-flung staff to leave,
We covered their jobs to ensure child safety,
Faster than you would believe.
The private schools advertised,
Their closures on the radio,
Causing out parents to call up,
Asking if we were closed.
The calls came thick and fast,
Asking if the school going,
We stated it was business as usual,
While outside the wind was blowing.
I was proud of our teamwork,
Everyone acted with such speed,
Kids and people were put first,
A great effort from all, indeed.
So, when next there’s weather hysteria,
And the weather won’t abate,
The private schools have the day off,
But nothing shakes the State.

Three Texts

I’m looking for a new trailer,
From one lemon to the next,
But it’s some form of social experiment,
An informal review of text.
I replied to three ads,
All listed mobile phones,
I wondered what would happen,
As I sat at home.
One rang back straight away,
Preferred the human side,
One texted 10 minutes later,
His time he did not bide.
As for the other I’m still waiting,
They’re taking their sweet time,
Perhaps their angling for my attention,
I’m a fish on a cordless line.
So, what can we learn here?
One prefers to speak,
One avoids talking altogether,
One’s ignoring is complete.
Is this a snapshot of society?
One has time to spare,
One prefers indirect contact,
One pretends they’re not there.

Summer Cold

My nose started to clog up,
My fever’s running high,
I shiver uncontrollably,
My cough is far from dry.
You’ve got to love a summer cold,
It’s never out of place,
If I find the one who shared it,
I’ll punch them in the face.

Recycle

With great surprise I received a gift,
For not doing anything,
They’re a rare commodity these days,
The surprise makes my heart sing.
The gift doesn’t suit my lifestyle,
But a friend could use these,
Is it a crime to recycle gifts?
When we do it to our trees?

Desk Determination

There’s too much work to do,
It’s off the desk to the floor,
When I make a little space.
There seems to be even more.
So, today I will make a difference,
To not finish is a sin,
I’ve come to work with a shovel,
And a wheelie bin.

Time to Change

For a few years we’ve been patient,
Done everything that we can,
Spoken with calm clarity,
And tried to understand.
But the situation has not improved,
Behaviours have not changed,
It’s time to concentrate on the future,
And the present re-arrange.
It’s frustrating being the aggrieved party,
The aggressors get off free,
But life is too short to spend in fear,
And constantly stressed be.
So, I cross my fingers and pray,
That we have chosen well,
That what comes now is golden,
And that three people burn in Hell.

In a Jam

I jammed my finger in the door,
It really gave me the blues,
The purples and the reds as well,
For now I have a bruise.
I was sleepy from a fitful sleep,
Out for my morning walk,
Not paying very much attention.
And now I cannot talk.
For the pain vibrates under the nail,
The blood is getting thick,
I can’t work out if I will faint,
Or if I will be sick.
Slowly the pain subsides,
I feel like such a fool,
I’ll feel each and every bump,
When I go to school.
For injuries such as these,
Are felt throughout the day,
As you do even a simple task,
The pain comes into play.
So now I have a monument,
To not taking enough due care,
And when I give people the finger,
At my bruise they can now stare.

Thanks

You’ve moved everything from here to there,
My ideas you have heaved,
You have systematically undermined,
Everything that I achieved.
People look over their shoulders,
Their positions vexed,
Nothing that they’ve valued is sacred,
The fear what you’ll do next.
Your slow poison has silently slid,
Into every nook and crack,
I won’t recognise any operation,
When I soon come back.
So, enjoy your time in the sun,
And listen as people shout,
“Thanks for nothing, now don’t let
The gate hit you on the way out.”

Teleconference

Every fortnight we man the phones
Assemble around the speaker
To listen to how policy’s stronger
But people are getting weaker.
We’re not performing well enough
The message is the same
Teleconference? Perhaps electronic spanking
Would be a better name.