Vanity

Charlie got a vanity plate,
Her choice made my heart swell,
Now she drives the family car,
With it labelled as "Hell".

Well, not quite - "HEL45" - Helen and the age - er - that she's a large calibre weapon.

Alone

Before the daybreak stains the land,
Before the birds strangle the silence,
Before people stir and start to swarm,
I arise from my comfortable bed.
I change into loose, but well fitting clothes
I pull on my trusty shoes and socks,
I leave my family snoring and slumbering,
And walk off down the road.
The air clings and caresses my shoulders,
Biting its way down into my lungs,
I shiver with the chill and with anticipation,
At the long road unwinding before me.
My pace quickens, but then remains constant,
One foot racing its near neighbour,
Both in a form of competitive cooperation,
Propelling me ever forwards.
Until all too soon I've returned,
Daybreak and the birds electing to join me,
But for a while there I was safe and secure,
The only person left in the world.

I get up at 4:20 to go for a walk. It takes about an hour. For that time I don't see a car, another person, very few animals, the sun etc. It's a strange feeling, but a powerful one.

Energy Conversion

My daughter moves so constantly,
From the bottom to the top,
Her energy is simply boundless,
She never seems to stop.
So now I put her in the bath,
I swear these words are true,
I add some soap and the dirty clothes,
She bathes and washes too.

Sophie doesn't stop. I wondered what purposes this energy could be put to, thus saving my use of energy. This seemed logical.

Squish

The night was dark and moonless,
I had to climb out of bed,
I needed to go to the toilet,
So in that direction I sped.
Now, I'm phobic of cockroaches,
I shiver when they're near,
Touching one of the creatures is
My deepest, darkest fear.
Anyway, I travelled to the toilet,
In a kind of dream,
When I woke the whole house with
A loud and terrified scream.
The family came running then,
Their faces masks of fright,
One had the presence of mind to,
Quickly turn on the light.
"I've just steeped on a cockroach!"
I screamed with through agony,
But then to my surprise and horror,
They all laughed at me.
I shook with the remnants of adrenaline,
The looked past my nose,
Only to see that the cockroach,
Was just a grape between my toes.

I am phobic of cockroaches, but this didn't happen. I had stepped on one of the many toys and their components that live in our carpet and thought of the times that I've stepped on them when half asleep. Confusing the toy with something else seemed like a good idea and for me the cockroach was the logical choice.

Slowly Close Your Eyes

Walk out into the storm
The lightning flashes
The thunder roars
And slowly close your eyes.
The lightning no longer
Flashes white and blue -
It's a vibrant shade of red.
The rain cascading down your face
Has turned into cold and bitter tears.
Such beauty and such wonder
Such pain and such heartache
Just from slowly closing your eyes.

It had not rained for a while and a storm blew in. I had gone out into it and was marvelling at the experience. Then, I turned my head skywards and closed my eyes - the experience was transformed.

You Fill Up My Senses

You fill up my senses
Especially my nose
To you I'm allergic
And my sinus, it flows.
You fill up my senses
Of that you are proud
I like to wear earmuffs
Because you're so loud.
You fill up my senses
Be proud of that
I cannot see past you
Because you're so fat.
You fill up my senses
On the hospital I have a lease
For whenever I touch you
I slide off the grease.
You fill up my senses
You put nothing to waste
Because you won't shower
Your odour I taste.
You fill up my senses
I overload
Come and embrace me
So I can explode.

Sorry, John.

Time and Space

The days have dragged dispiritedly
Seeming endless in their complexity
Each moment bitter, dry and twisted
Grinding with merciless determination.
When suddenly they accelerate
Exponentially joyous and full of hope
Rapturous, engaging and empowering
Filling heart, mind and spirit.
Bright flames burn so intensely
But they never burn for long
The days become slow and painful
For the workdays have returned.

I don't feel this way, but it does seem that a Saturday is much faster than a Tuesday.

Erosion

You won't allow me to reach you
Our relationship has eroded
It can't function the way it did
So with it we must change.
You don't seem to be willing
To change what you're doing
But if I do all the work
Am I selling out?

I can't reach a kid at school. The arrangements that have been put in place for him have served to make matters worse at home and at school. However, he was warned that this would happen. If I alter the deal for the sake of harmony, does that mean "he wins"?

The Literate Gift

One of the greatest gifts we give
Is the gift of language -
People write
and share their thoughts.
People look at things critically
Making better decisions.
People laugh and smile
As the written word makes sense.
I can't tell you
How it really happens
But when you witness it -
A great leap forward -
There are few better feelings.
Revel in the world around you
Rejoice in what it offers
But better still share it with others
Through the power of language.

My daughter has come into work early with me (she likes to do that sometimes) and she has made me a card, complete with pictures and a story. It never ceases to amaze me how well my eldest daughter is reading, writing and speaking. School has captured her imagination and through what she has learned, she has become a more confident and engaging person. It excites me to see what she will do next.

False Security

Lulled into a false sense of security,
Comfortable in my surrounds,
But then shocked into the realization,
That nothing is forever.
I was safe and secure for months,
Pleased that all was going well,
But now I am alarmed to discover,
That all is melting around me.

Spring doesn't last forever. You're nice and comfortable for a while, then - WHAM! - it's friggin' hot.

I'm Right

I just want to have a discussion,
It's something I must do,
There so many things going wrong,
And they all begin with you.
But I don't want your explanation,
I don't want to hear your side,
I'm here to make you feel bad,
Your beliefs I'll then deride.
But don't say anything about me,
That will never do,
Any failure is not my fault,
It all comes back to you.
I don't care if I'm the only one,
I don't care what other people think,
I don't care that others love you,
I'm sure you really stink.
Don't prove my points invalid,
Don't let the others speak,
Don't show me for the fool I am,
Don't prove that I'm a creep.
Now I'll just run away,
Like pus oozing from a boil,
I'm happy to have wrecked your day,
And leave you in such turmoil.

Friends who let you down - you can't shoot them.

Bed

Sleep comes in fits and starts,
Visions fill my head,
The sheets with me play tug of war,
And this amuses the bed.
The pillows giggle with feathery whispers,
The blankets dance with glee,
They headboard practices its Irish dancing,
As they all love to ignore me.
I give up and move to stand,
All is quite then,
I sigh and crawl back to bed,
And the bedlam begins again.

I don't sleep well often - too hot, too tired, too much going through my mind - whatever. So, I thought I'd blame it on the bed. Plus, as I toss and turn, the bed makes all manner of noises. Charlie must hate it.

Free

I'm happy to believe all manner of Hell,
From movie quotes to CDs,
I have nothing of my own to say,
Of insights I'm blessedly free.

Many people, myself included, use quotes from movies and songs in everyday life. I enjoy swapping quotes with people - be they Monty Python, Ace Ventura, Marilyn Manson - whatever. I even caught myself doing an Agent Smith in the interrogation room from The Matrix when I was interviewing some students.

Siren

We have a siren installed,
It's a government requirement,
So, we organised an electrician,
And had the siren to us sent.
But it's impact has been large,
Not in our students' homes,
The staff just love playing with it,
And won't leave the thing alone.

As part of Workplace Health and Safety we had to have a siren installed. When we need to use it the thing won't work because people play with it so often.

Foiled Midnight Incursion

Our plans were a midnight strike,
In and out with speed,
Under the cover of the darkness,
The only protection we'd need.
A visit to Charlie's home town,
Our girls were dancing there,
Not alerting the in-laws to our presence,
Would avert so much despair.
But with their sentient evilness,
Our presence was ascertained,
Now we have a full schedule,
Leaving me feeling pained.
"If you're down here you might as well,
Visit this person and that,
Then there's two birthdays to attend,
Outdoors, bring a hat.
You can stay in our humble home,
Keeps your kids under control,
Make sure you bring in no dirt,
I'll be on 24-hour patrol.
You must wash hands five times a day,
Don't use anything new,
Don't consume alcohol near my house,
And keep your kids near you."
So, what was a quick trip,
Then home for some rest,
Has turned into a trip into Hell,
And a monumental patience test.

We were set to just blast down and then blast back, but word got out that we were going to be in town. Suddenly, there were family events organised everywhere. Bugger.

Happy Birthday

Have a happy birthday
It sucks you have to work
But use it to your advantage
Savour every perk.
Allow others to be nice to you
And accept the nice things they say
Enjoy, this, your special time
For the next's a year away.

Just a little silly - people do nice things for you on your birthday, you might as well enjoy them.

Opening Presents

Watching your face light up,
The many presents before you,
You rip each one open quickly,
Using fingers and teeth to.
The rooms is littered with wrapping,
Sweat oozes from your pores,
I hope you enjoyed the presents,
Too bad they're not yours.

Have kids - never open a present again.

Birthday Shopping

Charlie's birthday's coming up,
It my spirit lifts,
For I love to look through the shops,
For the perfect kind of gifts.
A circular saw, a new hammer,
A vacuum cleaner too,
A home car tune-up kit,
A G-string coloured blue.
Some chocolates, a negligee,
Perhaps a new mop,
This is just so much fun,
I just cannot stop.
A carton of the finest ale,
Perhaps a new garden hose,
Or a Dust Buster for the house -
No I've got he one of those.
The Godfather series on DVD,
A new set of guitar strings,
There's so much choice available,
With these and other things.

I never seem to come up with the right gift. I've never got the "that's an amazing present" reaction. Still, I've only got a small number of amazing presents myself - including my first guitar from my wife and a Swiss army knife from my parents.

Pants Elf

There's an elf loose in our house,
He's a nasty sort of crawler,
Each night he sneaks into my wardrobe,
And makes my pants a little smaller.

No comment.

The Phone

The phone is my constant companion,
With it here I won't be alone,
There's one in my office,
My car and my home.
A mobile in my briefcase,
For the times I'm gone,
My handheld could be one too,
But I haven't turned it on.
Together they serve to fill my day,
With info and complaints,
Piles of useless information,
Congrats and legal complaints.
Laughter, tears and anger,
The odd bit of sympathy,
But the nastiest parts of all these things,
Have their origins in me.

Sometimes I cringe when the phone rings - not often is it a hand grenade, but it happens.

Respect

I was walking across the veranda,
The Grade sevens gave me smiles,
Then they turned in unison,
And let forth some "Zieg Heils!"

Little bastards.

Resource Assembly

With great care it was assembled,
From the finest parts,
Each selected for its quality,
Top grade from the start.
Layered with great deliberation,
An interplay of finest things,
Then wrapped with obsessive protection,
And the safety that it brings.
But when the big moment arrived,
The tomato had gone soggy,
The cheese had also liquefied,
The whole thing rather boggy.
Packing lunch is a deflation,
Of both heart and head,
Tomorrow I'll forego the effort,
And buy my lunch instead.

School Swimming Lessons

The kids are off to swimming today,
We teach it at this school,
They travel in some busses,
To the local pool.
I love the way they get excited,
I love their lack of fear,
But mostly I love the fact,
That for two hours no-one's here.

True - most of the school goes swimming on Thursday. It's good that we're teaching them a skill, but I love the relative quiet that follows it.

Farting in Bed

Relaxation
Flatulation
Deflation
Consternation.

I enjoyed the last poem, so decided to bastardise it.

The Creative Process

Inspiration
Perspiration
Evaporation
Desperation
Frustration
Deflation.

This can happen to me - the "tip of the tongue" feeling when the thing you're working on doesn't quite pan out.

I Love

I love the way your look at me
I love the way you smile.
I love the way that I can get lost,
In your eyes for a while.
I love the way you cuddle me,
Coo and stroke my hair,
It serves to refill my optimism,
And remove my despair.

My daughter's birthday - written for her.

Christmas?

We were walking through the supermarket,
And what did we see?
Christmas trees being put up,
My kids responded excitedly.
"Is it almost Christmas, Dad?"
They began to happily ask,
I settled down to break bad news,
Never a happy task.
"Christmas is three months from now,
The stores is getting ready,
For the rush that will happen,
The days will soon get heady.
But we have a long time to wait,
Plenty of time at hand,
The stores do this every year,
For reasons only they understand."

Death Wakes Early

Stumbling through the darkness,
Muscles screaming and inflamed,
Morning just to far away,
Spirit racked with pain.
Feeling drunk and cumbersome,
Trembling with adrenaline,
I'm waiting to shuffle off my mortality,
And let the afterlife begin.
What was I thinking then?
What light blinded my eyes?
How did I convince myself,
To get up and exercise?

I'm the consummate fat bastard. But I need to exercise. For some reason.

Misty the Ferret

Misty the ferret was quite ordinary,
As far as ferrets go,
She liked to do ferret things,
In tunnels she loved to go.
The folks at Peterson Air Force Base,
Which is in Colorado,
Had a tricky sort of problem,
So Misty they got to know.
Some computer cables needed drawing,
Through 40 narrow feet,
Many methods had been tried,
And the swearing I won't repeat.
But Misty did it in record time,
Emerging feeling fine,
Saving the taxpayers thousands, and
The missile warning centre was online.
Misty amazed them with her intelligence,
She was glad to play her part,
And all she asked for in return,
Was a strawberry Pop-Tart.

All true - it was reported by The Associated Press in 1999. (Party over, oops, we're out of time.)

Time Was of the Essence

Time was of the essence,
I know you understand,
So, I used a screwdriver,
Which then cut my hand.
Time was of the essence,
I thought I'd use a tissue,
Then I remembered that,
That would cause an issue,
For the tissue I had selected,
Was covered in motor oil,
Also in dust and crud,
And anti-freeze/anti-boil.
Time was of the essence,
As the pain ran up my arm,
In my quest for greater haste,
I had brought about such harm.
But time was of the essence,
My heart was full of fear,
Damn the company that,
Did not make screw-top beer.

Sort of true. I was hurrying to get something done and couldn't bother getting scissors from in the house - I was in the garage - so I sued a screwdriver to open a packet and ended up stabbing my palm. Now, I have to deal with the discomfort, instead of taking two minutes to get scissors. Idiot.

Scream at Me, Please

Call me from your home at night,
Preserve your identity,
Abuse me with your twisted logic,
Be welcome to harass me.
Don't do it to my face,
Hide behind technology,
Swear, curse and make your threats,
It's all the same to me.
My incoming calls are monitored,
The phone company keeps a list,
For morons just like you,
Who like to yell when they're pissed.
So, do your best, you moron,
Scream to you're heart's delight,
You'll be hearing from my solicitors,
Before tomorrow turns into night.

This doesn't happen to me anymore (unlisted number), but it happened to a teacher at school this week. People can just be creeps, sometimes.